Confuzzled~

So recently, I've become a little confused about who I really am... @_@

I've noticed myself becoming more and more fixated on things like my appearance and my weight, even when I've been told that I don't need to worry about either of these. They're things I never really cared about when I was younger - back then, it was all about how smart I was and what I could achieve. I guess my parents kept me away from those kinds of influences, but they're both something that I've become more aware of once I went to uni and gained my own independence.

I find that I can't help but slip into self-deprecating chats with my friends, and that I may be developing some bi-polar esteem issues. It feels like there is an angel on my shoulder - the old me, telling me that I have nothing to worry about, and then on the other shoulder, a little devil, chipping away at my confidence. I look in the mirror, and see so much wrong with my body, yet, I am unable to have enough will-power to do much about it. I enjoy eating too much, and as for exercise, since I've been diagnosed with knee problems, I only do low impact exercises now, no more running or anything majorly intensive.

Regular thoughts that run through my head when I am out and about:

She's so pretty, her legs are nicer, she has such a small waist, she's so much taller than me...

I think a part of this comes down to me being attracted to people that are usually physically out of my league, a 7 or an 8 to my 5. Studies show that people of similar attractiveness tend to end up together, which is the matching hypothesis. I saw a great example of this on the Discovery Channel's The Science of Sex Appeal, an interesting social documentary you can watch on Youtube. If this is the case, then I can't really compete with the girls that the guys I like are interested in. Which leads to this spiral of self-esteem.

If people are happier with people of similar attractiveness, then I need to lose this shallow way of thinking~

*siiiigh*

Sorry about this depressing post, it was something I needed to get off my chest and I promise to make my next ones happier!

Yishi xxx